apocalypsehow | Hargreeves Mansion | Unnamed City

Five predictably left Vanya's apartment before she could wake up and have another heart to heart with him. She meant well, but it was not helping him with the whole apocalypse deal. So he, reluctantly, had to go to his backup plan.

Vanya	Vanya was not surprised to find that Five had left her apartment by the time she woke up this morning. She knew that she probably should have just left it alone, but she hated how they left things last night. She should be more supportive, even if what she was supporting was absolutely insane. She looked so relieved when her first hunch had been correct, and she had found Five in his room at the mansion. "Oh thank god, I was worried sick about you."
Five	"Sorry I left without saying goodbye," Five replied because he had not been expecting her to hunt him down like this. He was busy, Vanya. Also. Five apologizing?
Vanya	Anybody else and there would be some suspicion there, but Vanya took it at face value. Because she was the nice, trusting one in the family. "No, look, I should be the one that's sorry," she said. "I was dismissive--I guess I didn't know how to process what you were saying. And I still can't, to be honest."
Five	It was almost enough to make him feel bad! "Maybe you were right to be dismissive," Five said, trying to head her off before those pesky feelings might rear their ugly heads. "Maybe it wasn't real after all. It felt real. Well, like you said, the old man did say time travel can contaminate the mind." And it was real, goddamnit.
Vanya	"Then maybe I'm not the right person you should be talking to," she said. "Look, I used to see someone. A therapist." The fact that the house didn't automatically crumble to the ground for those words being used under its roof was a miracle. "I could give you her information."
Five	He would sooner stab himself in the arm again. "Thanks, but I..." He needed something to stop this line of conversation because it was terrible. "I think I'm just gonna rest. It's been a long time since I've had a good sleep." You know. Away from everyone. In that crapsack future.
Vanya	"Okay," she said, giving him a soft smile. "I'll see you later." Vanya turned to leave, feeling pretty pleased with how that conversation went.
Klaus	A few seconds later the doors to Five's closet were thrown open and Klaus stepped out of hiding. "That was so touching. All that stuff about Dad and family and time. I'm moist."
Five	"Shut up, she'll hear you," Five hissed, checking that she really was gone before taking in the outfit that Klaus had put on with an annoyed look. "I told you to put on something professional."
Klaus	Klaus looked down at himself. "What, this is my nicest outfit." It was clean, anyway. Ish.
Five	Five sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. "We'll raid the old man's closet," he decided, letting this one go because Klaus was only just reliable enough for the bare minimum.
Klaus	"So long as I get paid." That was the important thing here. Though he might bump it up to more than twenty bucks if he had to wear some of his dad's old clothes. Gross.
Five	"When the job's done." Because the last thing he needed was getting conned out of money by his idiot brother. He'd be doing the conning, thanks.
Five	"Okay, but just so we're clear on the finer details--I just have to go into this place and pretend to be your dear old dad, correct?" Not the weirdest thing he had been asked to do, but it was weird that Five was the one asking.
Five	"Yeah, something like that," Five said, waving him off. Because why would he need more details than that? It was simple!
Klaus	"So what's our cover story?" he asked. Klaus was one of those actors who needed motivation to get into character.
Five	Oh, god. "What? What are you talking about?"
Klaus	"I mean, was I young when I had you?" he asked, already looking like he was enjoying this far too much. "Like sixteen? Like, young and terribly misguided?"
Five	"Sure," Five said, just trying to make this stop. Oh, it had been too long since he'd been around Klaus and didn't remember to not encourage any of this.
Klaus	Yeah, that was a rookie mistake. "Your mother, that slut. Whoever she was. We met at...the disco," he decided. "Okay? Remember that." Surely that was going to come up at the prosthetic factory. "Oh my god, the sex was amazing.
Five	"...what a disturbing glimpse into that thing you call a brain."
Klaus	"Don't make me put you in time out." He was totally nailing the dad role and getting that twenty bucks.
Lance	And somehow it worked well enough to get them back into the office of the asshole who had threatened to call security on Five. Which was probably as successful as things should go for this family. "As we told your son, any information about the prosthetics we build is strictly confidential. Without the client's consent I simply cannot help you."
Five	"Well we can't get consent if you don't give us a name," Five snapped, totally nailing his role as an actual child with their father. Yep. Super believable.
Lance	"Well that's not my problem. Sorry there's nothing more I can do, so--"
Klaus	Klaus was silent for a couple moments, like an actor really trying to get into a scene. Or he was high and trying to focus. Either/or. "And what about my consent?" he asked slowly.
Lance	Yeah, it was hit or miss on what was going on there. "Excuse me?"
Klaus	Klaus placed his hands on the guy's desk and leaned forward. "Who gave you permission to hurt my son?"
Lance	"What?" Klaus, you'd lost him with all your amazing method acting. He looked from Klaus to Five like maybe the scary little one had an explanation for this.
Klaus	"You heard me." Might not have made any sense, but surely you heard him.
Lance	Yes, they were indeed words that Klaus put out into the world! Much like The Secret. "I didn't touch your son."
Klaus	"Oh really?" he asked, rearing back. "How'd he get that swollen lip then?"
Lance	"He doesn't have a swollen--" he began to say because now Klaus was just going off the rails of this conversation.
Klaus	Of course that was Klaus' cue to pull his hand back and smack Five right across the face. Shh, Five, he was method acting.
Five	It was either familial love (doubtful) or Five catching and inkling of what bullshit plan Klaus was onto here that kept him from smacking Klaus back. Someone was still not getting their twenty dollars for that, though.
Klaus	That wasn't fair! Klaus turned back towards the pasty eyeball man. "I want it. Name, please. Now."
Lance	Was it Murderous Cop/Crazy cop? Because that was the vibe being put off here. "You're insane!"
Klaus	"You have no idea." Klaus picked up the first thing he could from the guy's desk--which happened to be a snow globe. And the guy called him insane, what grown man had a snow globe? "'Peace on Earth', that's so sweet," Klaus cooed before smashing the snow globe into his own face. Glass, water, and fake snow went everywhere. Klaus shook the water and fake snow out of his hair, ignoring the blood dripping down his face. "God, that hurt."
Lance	Okay, this had escalated way beyond his paygrade here. "I'm calling security," he said, grabbing the phone and starting to punch in the numbers. Because this was a prosthetics company and they didn't have buttons for it.
Klaus	Klaus reached over to grab the phone out of the guy's hand. "There's been an assault in Mr. Big's office. We need security, now. Schnell!" He slammed the phone back into the cradle. "Now, here's what's going to happen, Grant--"
Grant/Lance	"It's Lance," he said, freezing up like a spooked deer. Because what in the actual hell was happening?
Klaus	If we were all honest here, Klaus would admit he had no idea what was happening either. He was kind of just rolling with it. "In about sixty seconds two security guards are going to burst through that door, and they are going to see a whole lotta blood, and they are going to wonder 'What the hell happened?' And we're going to tell them that you beat the shit out of us," Klaus said, looking pretty smug for someone who was currently wet and covered in blood. "You're going to do great in prison, Grant. Trust me, I've been there."
Grant/Lance	"Jesus, you're a real sick bastard," Lance said, watching him with horror.
Klaus	Klaus spit out a hunk of glass from the snow globe and preened just a little bit, maybe. "Thank you."
Five	If nothing, it worked to get Lance-not-Grant moving to go find that patient for them. All while Five gave Klaus a look that was almost pride in his brother being just committed enough to the cause he had no clue about. Or the twenty bucks promised to him. It was hard to tell. Nevertheless, Five was still proud!
Grant/Lance	"Oh, that's strange," Definitely Lance And Not Grant said, nervously glancing up from the folder he had magically dug up once threatened enough. "Uh, the eye? It hasn't been purchased by a client yet." Oops.
Klaus	"What? What do you mean?" Look, Klaus didn't really care, but now it was weird. Yes. Now.
Grant/Lance	"Our logs say that the eye with that serial number..." He squinted a little more at the information in the folder. "That can't be right, it hasn't even been manufactured yet." Which begged the question of, "Where did you get that eye?" Lance asked, turning his focus on Five.

Five	Since he couldn't get the information he needed to save the goddamn planet (and everyone therein) and he couldn't really answer any questions about why he needed the information either. Hence Five just absolutely flouncing on out of the office to stew on this. "Well," he said in a clipped, annoyed tone. "This isn't good."
Klaus	"I was pretty good though, right?" Klaus said, looking extremely pleased with himself. "What about my consent, bitch?" He really felt it had been a stroke of genius. Worth whatever head injury he had given himself.
Five	"Klaus, it doesn't matter," Five snapped. Even if, yes, that was a very good performance and he was proud of Klaus but would only admit that on pain of death.
Klaus	"What's the big deal about this eye anyway?" Klaus was probably the only sibling who would ask this after everything is done.
Five	Which was why Klaus was the only one getting a real answer of, "There's someone out there who is going to lose an eye in the next seven days. They are going to bring an end to life on Earth as we know it." So. You know. Enjoy that existential dread.
Klaus	... "Yeah, can I get that twenty bucks now or what?"
Five	Look, you brought this on yourself, Five. "Your 20 bucks? The apocalypse is coming, and all you can think about is getting high?"
Klaus	"Well I'm also quite hungry." He got the munchies occasionally, as you do.
Five	"You're useless," Five said like this was new or something. "You're all useless."
Klaus	"Oh, come on. You need to lighten up, old man," Klaus said. "Hey, you know, I've just realized why you're so uptight. You must be horny as hell! All those years by yourself, it's going to screw with your head, being alone."
Five	Gross, Klaus. So gross. "Well, I wasn't alone," Five replied.
Klaus	"Oh?" he asked, looking interested. "Pray tell." Give him all the gross details, he lived for that shit.
Five	"Her name was Dolores," Five said, thinking about the timeline and if she was here now too. "We were together for thirty years."
Klaus	"Thirty years?" That was some genuine surprise there. "Oh, wow. The longest I've ever been with someone was, I don't know, three weeks? And that's only because I was tired of looking for a place to sleep..."
Five	Sorry, was Klaus talking? Five had things to do.