apocalypsehow | A HoJo's in the past

The very last place that Five would like to be was a Howard Johnson's. Which was probably exactly why The Board was meeting there.

Still, it didn't make it any better as Five walked in, glancing only for a moment at the signs proclaiming this to also be the location of a polka festival. At least there should be enough noise from that to cover up what was going to happen here.

"Excuse me," he said, coming up behind a woman with a ridiculous perm where she was getting things organized for the hotel.

HoJo's employee	"You snuck up on me there," she said after jumping a little bit in surprise. "If you're looking for the cookies, we don't put them out until 3 pm." Since all kids loved some cookies and bars, right?
Five	...okay, so cookies did kinda sound nice. "I can hardly wait," Five said, putting on a very fake smile. "Uh, do you happen to know where the Midwest Soybean Society is meeting?"
HoJo's employee	"Sure do, Muskellunge Banquet Room." A perfectly normal name of a banquet hall. "You looking for your mom? She in for the convention?" Since a child unattended would be an issue and all that.
Five	She was either a robot and dead or an actual human woman that his brother was stalking in the past, so... Five just ignored the question, noticing a vending machine behind her and digging through his pockets to produce a dollar. "Could I get some change?" It was the little things in life that kept you sane, after all.
HoJo's employee	"Oh yah sure, let me look in my purse," she said, digging around in that bag like it might hold treasure at the very bottom of it. "Hm, only a nickel and a couple dimes." Just give her a moment there... "Wait, here, you are in luck, mister!" she said, offering out the change for him to swap with the dollar bill that was possibly from the wrong era.
Five	"You know, some days the best luck is to die at the right time," Five told her, taking the change and walking away with that totally normal, not fucked up thing that he just said. Because you had to know she was looking at you with some confused horror now, Five. You had to know.
Angry Five	It was probably why he had a bit of a spring in his step as he approached the vending machine to put his change in and push the button of the Nutter Butter. God, it'd been decades since he'd had one of those... Which, of course, meant it got stuck in the machine. Of course it did. He smacked the machine to try knocking it loose once pressing the buttons again lead nowhere. And that was quickly followed by some rage-filled shaking of the entire thing, "Come on!" Five hissed. "Stupid mother--Fudge Nutter! Fuckin' Fudge Nutter!" Why couldn't anything go right here?? A kick left the glass--actual glass instead of plastic--shattered before he took off to get this over with.
An angrier Five	So maybe all that pent up rage wasn't doing so great for him here. But he could always supplement it with some spite as he located a cake left unattended in the hallway he was walking down. Which he promptly shoved his hand into for a bite. Look. Look. It had been a long week already. And it was only about to get longer. And his sugar was down. Also, yolo or whatever Klaus would say to this. But with all that taken care of and the Midwest Soybean Society's hall located, all that was left was to find a weapon. He was in luck once more as a fire ax was prominently displayed on the wall within range of him. So this was how it was gonna go.
AJ	At the head of the table in the conference room for the Midwest Soybean Society, there was a man with a fish tank for a head and a single goldfish inside. Which made perfect sense. "Let's move on to article 17, please," AJ said, looking up from the papers in front of him just in time to spot Five bursting into the room with an ax in hand. "You!" "What's he doing?" one of The Board members asked like it wasn't abundantly clear this probably wasn't about his retirement benefits. Probably why AJ's immediate response was, "Call security!"
Five	Oh, no, no, no. None of that here. Five teleported over, taking off the arm of the woman who had grabbed the phone to do just that. Then showed off just why he was one of their best for years as he proceeded to take the entire room apart with a series of teleports and bloody ax swings that left one of the board members with their head stuck up in the terrible drop ceiling of the room.
AJ	Once it sounded like maybe, just maybe he could sneak out of here if he was careful enough, AJ poked his head up from where he'd dropped under the table to hide. Only to find Five already looming over him. "She sent you, didn't she."
Five	Five rolled his neck and sort of bared his teeth like the feral lil' monster he was, hefting that ax a little in his hands. "Does it really matter now?"
AJ	Yes, it mattered! Because, if he survived this, he'd destroy her. "Whatever she offered you, I'll double it, triple it!"
Five	"I'm not doing this for money," he hissed, bringing the ax up over his head. Not that any of his siblings would appreciate this level of murder or anything. But that was besides the point.
HoJo's employee	And that was when the woman from before suddenly tackled Five from behind. Maybe just not noticing the pile of corpses and severed limbs in the room. Or maybe she did. Midwesterners were weird.
Five	Yeah, this was a new one. This was definitely a new one. "Get off of me!"
HoJo's employee	"You're gonna pay for that vending machine, little mister!" she shouted, still trying to pin down this literal ax murderer.
Five	Well, well, well. If it wasn't the ridiculous consequences for his own actions. "I don't want to hurt you, all right?" Five said, really trying to not bring collateral damage into this shitshow.
HoJo's employee	"Hurt me?" Oh, he was in for a surprise there. "I ain't afraid of you, you little pus ball!" Enjoy that actually pretty decent punch to the face, Five. You enjoy it. It was Midwestern hospitality.
Five	Okay, fuck this. Five decked her back and get back to the task at hand... AJ had run. Of course that little coward had. He shoved the woman off himself and didn't even bother trying to find where his ax had gone, instead snatching a cricket bat off the wall to give chase. And, since he was Five, he had to teleport directly in front of him. Like you do.
AJ	Which shouldn't be surprising, but it still was. "Surely we can come to some form of an agreement that benefits both parties. Quid pro quo? What--what do you say?"
Five	"Why not?" Five said with a perfectly vicious smile. "Here's your quid--" He rammed the cricket bat into AJ's stomach, doubling him over. "Here's your pro--" That next hit was to the leg, bringing him down to his knees. "And here's your quo." The last hit to the fishbowl broke the glass, sending the fish inside flying.

Five	With the job done, Five was back in Texas and back in the 60's. Also covered in blood. Which was gonna be a thing if he didn't take care of that at some point, right? It was gonna be a thing. But then again, this was Texas... He tightened his grip on the plastic bad containing AJ, looking around for her.
The Handler	This certainly looked promising, but fool her once, et cetera, et cetera. The Handler approached on careful, slow footsteps, one hand in her absolutely fabulous pocket. "Well?"
Five	Excuse you, he'd only betray her when it suited him. And it didn't suit him right now. He let out a huff of annoyance before holding out the bag of water and the little goldfish therein.
The Handler	"AJ!" That was nothing short of a squeal of delight as The Handler lifted her birdcage veil (of course she had a birdcage veil) and took the little bag of water from Five to cackle triumphantly at the little fish inside. You know, like you do. "You know, you're really starting to fill out those tight little shorts of yours," she added with a brazen glance over Five's bloodied little person. Triumph apparently meant just doing away with any subtlety.
Five	It was the blood splatter, wasn't it? She was so into the blood splatter. Five shot her an annoyed look, silently demanding she just fulfill her end of the bargain so he could get his family back home already.
The Handler	It wasn't any fun if he wasn't going to play! "Why so quiet?" she asked petulantly. "I thought you'd be buzzing after this morning's slaughter."
Five	"All this killing... I'm done with it." Because homicidal rage only got you so far in life!
The Handler	The Handler fixed him with a look as she drew a handkerchief out of her cleavage. (Where else would she keep it? A pocket? A sleeve? When her boobs were just right there?) "What?" she asked, raising a brow before lightly licking the hankie so she could start dabbing at the blood all over Five's face. Like a mom. A really inappropriate mom. "Am I supposed to take that seriously?"
Five	Yeah, that completely tracked for her. "What I did today, I did for my family," he insisted. "I did it to save the world." Also because axe murder was metal as hell.
The Handler	"Please. Spare me your little assassin with a heart of gold routine, will you?" Handler finished wiping at him -- like, clearly that was just for effect since he was still absolutely covered in blood -- and flicked the handkerchief at him with a little flourish before putting it away and picking up the briefcase she'd brought with her. "Here. Per our agreement, this will get you and your siblings back to 2019. You have ninety minutes." Weren't surprises fun?
Five	"You said nothing about a time limit!" he said, despite just knowing that there would be a catch. There would always be a catch with her.
The Handler	Good thing there was a bell dramatically tolling, right? "Actually, you have eighty-nine minutes and thirty seconds," she amended. "Better hurry." Or she'd get to keep you!
Five	Damn her nefarious plan! "This is impossible, okay? My siblings are scattered across the city!"
The Handler	"Nothing's impossible. You proved that this morning when you killed the board," she pointed out, reaching out to affectionately boop his nose. You sweet little helper, you.
Five	Mistakes were made here! "I need more time."
The Handler	"Any more time and people will start asking questions." Come on, now, Five. You knew this just as well as she did. "The sooner you get home and out of this time period, the better off we'll both be." She cocked her head at him. "So. Ticktock, ticktock."