apocalypsehow | Elliot's Apartment

Five seemed to be preparing for something big...but it was also taking a very long time. So Luther fell asleep on the couch. Look, it had been a long day.

Once he rolled off the couch and headed into the kitchen he saw Five doing...something weird. "Five? Are you okay?"

He really didn't look okay.

Five	Was he? He felt he was being perfectly normal with his carton of milk chugging. "I'm gonna need to be hydrated." Yeah, that wasn't the only weird thing happening here, Five.
Luther	"Hydrated? What--what's the baby powder for?" He was so confused. More confused than usual.
Five	"It'll help with the itching." He was answering questions! Look at him! So helpful.
Luther	"What itching? There's itching?" Luther asked. Then it hit him. "So you do have a plan." That involved itching somehow.
Five	Shhh. Shhh. Just trust him, Luther. "Well, it's a desperation move," he admitted. "But since our brain-dead siblings are incapable of meeting a simple deadline, I've got no other choice." Murder, kidnapping, and lesbian love were not valid excuses, okay?
Luther	"No choice about what?" Look, between the hydrating and the baby powder Luther was getting some weird ideas, here.
Five	"I have to find myself. I just arrived in Dallas 15 minutes ago." Yeah, that... that wasn't helping with Luther's assumptions, was it? You work in a burlesque club and suddenly you think your brother is doing something kinky!
Luther	"...should I be worried about you?" The answer was always yes, Luther.
Five	Rude! But accurate. "Luther, if you recall, I was sent to 1963 on a job with the Commission to make sure the president was assassinated." Yeah, maybe don't share that detail with Diego.
Luther	"Oh!" That made sense. Kind of. "So your old self is out there? Just walking around Dallas?" Two Fives in the same area of space and time...yikes.
Five	The only way it could be worse was if you tossed Dad into that mix. The sure level of insufferableness in that room... "Walking around Dallas... with a briefcase that can get us home."
Luther	"Oh my god, Five, you are a genius." Don't expect to hear that one too often.
Five	That was because Luther was s simpleton who wouldn't know genius if it hit him with an axe. "However, there are two significant problems with this plan," Five said, ready to give him the lecture that clearly Luther had been keen on hearing, right? Right! "Problem one, I am a trained assassin." Obviously. "Arguably the most dangerous assassin in the space-time continuum. And if I know me--" Which he did. "--I am not going to react kindly to bumping into myself." Murderously so. "Problem number two, and this is the real fly in the ointment here, you're not supposed to exist in close proximity to yourself in the same timeline. The side effects could be... disastrous."
Luther	"What kind of side effects?" Other than annoying bystanders to death with double the smugness around.
Five	"Well according to Commission Handbook, Chapter 27, subsection 3b, the seven stages of paradox psychosis are... Stage one: Denial, Stage two: Itching, Stage three: Extreme thirst and urination, Stage four: Excessive gas, Stage five: Acute paranoia, Stage six: Uncontrolled perspiration, and Seven: Homicidal rage." Hey, Five? Real talk, why did you have that memorized?
Luther	Okay, most of that sounded mildly annoying. And Five was acutely paranoid on a good day. But... "Homicidal rage?" That one could be a problem.
Five	"Yeah," he agreed with a little nod.
Luther	"I don't think this is such a good idea." He was fairly confident he could take on one homicidal Five, but two?
Five	He'd be fine. He was infinitely harder to kill than their other siblings! "It's a Hail Mary. But what choice do we got, Luther?"
Luther	"I don't know," Luther said with a shrug. "But you already seem a little squirrely, to be honest." Like...more than usual
Five	He was very stressed right now! "Look, Luther, I'm gonna need you to help me get through this one," he said with something between actual honesty and playing to Luther's whole Number One deal. "I need a spotter."
Luther	"Spotter? What's that?" he asked. "Like a wingman?" Luther obviously didn't know what a wingman was either.
Five	But he was trying and that was very cute. "In case the paradox psychosis gets too severe, I need you to help me stay on task. So whatever happens, whatever I say, we need to get to that briefcase." And not betray him in favor of his older looking counterpart because of your severe daddy issues.
Luther	Pfft, as if that would happen. "Okay," Luther said, clapping his hands together. "Spotter, I can do that. Let's do this."
Five	The plus side to the situation if you ignored the whole... paradox psychosis thing, was that Five knew exactly where to find himself and at what point he could best approach... himself. And that was going to be a bar while waiting for the Presidential motorcade to get started. "Well there I am."
Luther	Awwwwwwwwww look at little old man Five, dressed like a little old man. It was adorable. Focus, Luther. "Why don't we just grab the briefcase and run?"
Five	"Luther, I would never let that happen." And it pained him that you were this dumb. He expected it when left along with Diego, but c'mon now. "We're trained to guard these briefcases with our lives. Plus, it's the inherent paradox where this gets tricky. I'm endangering my existence just being in a room with myself."
Luther	Luther was dumb enough to look behind him, like time ninjas were about to pop out at any moment. "Huh? What do you mean?"
Five	"Luther, try to keep up," Five said with the aggrieved sigh. "If old me doesn't travel back to 2019 like he's supposed to, the whole thing unravels itself. I cease to exist. You got me?" It was a real Back to the Future moment, capiche?
Luther	"I get you." He absolutely did not, but at this point he was afraid to ask more questions. Five was already looking a little sweaty.
Five	He was fine. "So our best chance is to talk to him. To reason with him. He'll understand. Trust me, I know myself better than, uh, better than I know myself." Doin' fine. Not sweaty or itchy or having dry mouth at all. And definitely not in denial about all those things.
Luther	"You just itched your neck," Luther pointed out. "That's stage two of paradox psychosis." Look at him, he already had it memorized.
Five	That was what he remembered?? "No, I didn't," Five snapped, jerking his hand down. "I didn't itch my neck."
Luther	"Denial is stage one." Weren't you glad this was who your spotter was?
Five	He knew he should have brought Klaus, damn it. "I am fine, okay? Let's stay on task, shall we?" Not sounding aaaaany less crazy there, Five.
Luther	"Wait," Luther said, holding out a hand to stop Five from moving forward. "Maybe I should go first."
Five	"Why?" Were you about to betray him for his more dad appearing self? Because that wouldn't be cool.
Luther	Luther had more self-control than that, please! "Well, you'll freak him out. Bumping into your own tiny doppelganger. He will lose his shit." And he wouldn't lose his shit seeing his dead brother, sure. "Just let me break the ice."
Five	Well, it was semi-reasonable. And Five couldn't find too much wrong with it compared with immediately being confronted with his doppleganger. "Okay," he said. But it was reluctantly.
Luther	Well, at least that showed that Five wasn't totally gone in psychosis yet. Luther left Five behind, heading towards...well, Five. Old Man Five. Yeah, that's what he'd call him in his head to avoid confusion. He tried to look friendly and not imposing, which was kind of hard when you had a body like his. "Five."
Old Man Five	Five lowered his newspaper, very much like their father would have to squint up at him suspiciously. "What did you just call me, big man?" And just who did he have to kill for someone knowing that name?
Luther	"It's me." Then, realizing that he had been much smaller (and more human) when Five saw him last, added, "Number One? Remember?" Luther, the guy didn't suddenly forget having six siblings because he was old. Come on now.
Elderly Five	Five's eyes widened as he took in all of Luther. And it was a lot of Luther. "Luther. How did you--?" he began, not about to let emotions get the better of him, but it was his brother.
Luther	"It's okay. Everything is fine, I can explain." No need for homicidal rage, here. "But first, I need to introduce you to somebody. Just...promise me you won't freak out."
Aged Five	So far it was just the usual level of rage! And maybe his suit was a little itchy... "What are you talking about?" Five asked, not enjoying where this was going.
Luther	"Don't freak out," Luther said, like he was trying to soothe a scared chihuahua. "No freak outs." We were all calm, and happy, with no homicidal rage here, okay?
Five	"Hey there, stranger," Five said, just coming on in there. Helpfully not acting actively homicidal. For a change. Yeah, this was going to be a shit show.
Luther	Oh, it was going to be terrible. At least they managed to get a seat and some beers (Texas 1963 did not care about underage drinking, apparently), and could have a conversation like normal human beings. Just so happened two of the three human beings were the same person. "Well, this is nice, isn't it? The three of us together, like this."
Matured Five	"No," they replied in unison. Because of course they did. This was what you expected, right Luther? "Someone explain to me how it is I'm having a pint of Guinness with my younger self," the older Five ordered with an annoyed little frown.
Five	"Older, actually, I'm you, just a... bit older." Because time stuck in high school purgatory counted too.
Over the Hill Five	Yeeeeah, that wasn't gonna fly. "I have pubic hair older than you," Five oh so eloquently replied. "How's that possible?"
Five	Ah, time for Five to shine! "I can explain," he said, shifting forward in his seat. "You see, one hour from now, on the grassy knoll, before the president is killed, you break your contract with the Commission." He held up a finger before his counterpart could argue with it. "I already know you're thinking about it. All those years in the apocalypse, we never stopped worrying about our family..." Still worrying about the idiots, really. "Well today, you are going to do something about it. Today you are going to attempt to time travel forward to 2019. However, you are going to screw up the jump and end up in this twip of a body, trapped forever, small, pubescent."
Ancient Five	"Okay, even if I believe you, what am I supposed to do about it, not jump?" Five asked, unable to argue some of those points. Ugh, the worst when dealing with yourself.
Five	"No, I need you to jump. If you don't jump, I cease to exist. What I need is for you to jump correctly."
Decrepit Five	Well. Wasn't that interesting. "I'm listening," he granted his clearly younger self.
Five	"The first time through, I got the calculation wrong." There wasn't an issue in admitting it when they both got it wrong at least. "That's how I ended up in this body. But now I know the correct calculation." The murder board held many secrets in Diego and Annie's guest room.
Grayed Five	"What is it?" Five asked.
Five	Oh, if he thought himself that gullible... "I'll be glad to tell you, in exchange for that briefcase you're holding under the table." See, this was going great, Luther. Just ignore the itching and how sweaty people were getting. Ignore it.
Luther	If the farting started he was going to get really worried. "Yeah, so you go back to 2019, as planned, but this time with the right math, so you remain a full-grown man." Why Old Five wanted to remain old and gross was beyond Luther's comprehension. He would have loved to go back to his teenage self. When he wasn't an ape. "In exchange, we get that briefcase you no longer need."
Five	"Timeline restored, paradox resolved," Five added to sweeten the proverbial pot here. "Everyone goes on existing happily ever after."
Venerable Five	Five took a breath, looking as though he was considering it all. "That's quite a bit to take in."
Five	Which made Five suspicious immediately. But that could always be the whole paradox psychosis at work. But he didn't think it was. "What do you think?"
Fossil Five	"I think... I need to piss," he said, pushing himself up to get away from the table and do just that. Old man and all. Nothing suspicious here.
Luther	Luther picked up a napkin and started dabbing at the younger Five's forehead. "Well, besides the flop sweat I think that went pretty well, am I right?"
Five	"No, no there's something... something doesn't feel right about this," Five insisted, looking maybe a little crazier than usual. Which was a lot. Or maybe it was just knowing what he was capable of.
Luther	Huh. Paranoia. That wasn't good. "What do you mean?"
Five	Excuse you, he was being appropriately paranoid for the situation at hand! "I don't trust him." Oh, the scratching was happening again.
Luther	... "But he's you." Luther liked to think he'd trust another version of himself.
Five	Because Luther was a simple man! And Five was a devious sack of murderous tendencies and ego. "Exactly."
Luther	For god's sake. Luther threw down the napkin, getting up and heading towards the bathroom to make sure Old Man Five wasn't plotting in the shitter. He didn't seem to be plotting. Just looking at a glass eyeball, as one does. "That's just a waste of time, trust me."
Senior Five	"Then why were you holding it when I found you dead in the apocalypse?" Five asked, assuming Luther had a grasp on the events that lead up to everything with that comment. Also, look at him getting Luther away from his younger counterpart.
Luther	"No idea," Luther said with a shrug. "But the guy it to belonged to didn't end the world, Vanya did."
Veteran Five	"Timid, little Vanya." That Vanya?
Luther	Yup. More powerful than the rest of us put together," Luther said. "Turns out, she was pissed about the way we treated her when we were kids, so she destroyed the moon and ended the world." The normal way to deal with childhood trauma.
Along in Years Five	It certainly sounded correct for their family! "Huh." Five said, pocketing the eyeball. "Fair enough." But now he could figure out a plan with all this information. "This is perfect. Now we know exactly what is going to happen." And no one would mess up a whole day that would allow people to get things right!
Luther	"Yeah...except it already did." Which was why he was here in 1963.
Enfeebled Five	"Don't think, just listen." You precious little simpleton. You ape-shaped mook. "Forget about the little jerk-off's plan, it's too complicated." You thought that, right Luther? "A much better plan is for us to travel to 2019. All we have to do is make nice with Vanya, stop her from destroying the world." Fix all those mistakes. Sounded good, right?
Luther	"Huh." He hadn't actually considered that. "Well, that's actually--"
Geriatric Five	Oh, he had Luther now. "That's not bad, right?"
Luther	Goddammit, it was the gray hair and old man mustache. He was too weak to resist! "Yeah, but, what about Five?" Luther asked. "I mean, you. Young you." The one who he should be siding with but...old mentor figure.
Grizzled Five	The daddy issues were useful when they worked for you. "That's not me," Five said like he was confiding in Luther here. Wasn't that just what you wanted with Dad, Luther? Wasn't it? "That's a prepubescent photocopy who got botched in the jump. Besides, it's too late for him anyway."
Luther	"Too late?" Luther asked, looking a little worried.
Not Young Five	"Paradox psychosis?" Five reminded him, not realizing he was scratching at his own neck. "Best thing we can do is put him out of his misery."
Luther	"What? You're saying to kill him?" Even an old man would have trouble convincing Luther that was okay!
Past One's Prime Five	Shhh, shhh. Let him work on it! "You're thinking about this all wrong," Five insisted. "We're not killing anybody." Except that pipsqueak.
Luther	What? "No--" He couldn't kill his own brother! Ignore everything that happened last season when he tried to kill his sister.
Antique Five	No, no! Go back to that one! That was useful! "Look at me," he demanded, definitely channeling their father there. "I'm Five and I will still be alive. All we're getting rid of is a mutant doppelganger. Amputating a vestigial nipple." What?
Luther	This was a lot of homicide to take in--wait. "Are you sure you don't have paradox psychosis?"
Vintage Five	He was sweaty and suggesting the murder of his counterpart, Luther. "I've never felt better in my life," Five assured him.
Five	Well, the came out of the bathroom to Five, the real Five, looking a little... rough. He was scratching a lot more and looked like he'd been inside a sauna. "We good?" he asked Luther, not at all trusting himself there. Shady bastard.
Luther	Holy shit, they both looked terrible. And Luther couldn't really tell which one was worse. But he knew which one looked like his dad. "We're good."
Timeworn Five	"You got a deal," Five said, feeling perfectly comfortable with the arrangement now that he had Luther on his side here. "We gotta hurry, Kennedy is en route. Less than an hour til showtime."
Five	Wait a minute... "Why are you so anxious to get going all of a sudden?" Five demanded, narrowing his eyes at himself.
Young for a US Senator Five	"Relax," Five said, eyeing him right on back. Not quite as sweaty and gross, but it was getting there. "You're getting paranoid."
Five	"Oh, am I?" Five said, knowing now that his paranoia was fully justified. Like how all paranoia is.
Went to the beach from that Shyamalan movie Five	After an uncomfortably long stare down where both of them were itchy and sweaty in each other's direction, Five finally ended with a curt, "Let's roll."