apocalypsehow | To a park then to a hotel

It wasn't often that the Hargreeves lost a fight, especially when they were all together. Guess it was bound to happen when you, you know, were fighting other Hargreeves.

The Umbrellas (and Annie), made their way to a park, where Luther immediately sat down on the first bench he saw. "I just...I'm gonna sit. I'm gonna sit here a minute."

And possibly throw up all over himself.

Klaus was also happy to stop walking, lying down on one of the picnic tables. "That didn't go well."

Diego	Diego nodded, rubbing his hand over his bruised jaw. "Not our best work." Understatement.
Annie	Annie, meanwhile, was rolling her shoulder where she'd landed on it earlier, trying to arch a twinge out of her neck. "Everyone all right?" she called, lightly running a hand along Diego's back as she surveyed the others. Aside from, you know. The groaning, and all. But like...no one needed a hospital or anything, did they?
Five	Five just made a disgruntled noise as he probed at the massive bruise forming on his forehead. Because none of this was cool. None of it.
Luther	Luther shook his head, feeling dazed. "I never had my ass handed to me like that before. It's like...here you go. It's your ass."
Allison	Now Allison looked concerned. "Guys, I think Luther is concussed."
Luther	Luther gave Allison a goofy smile before noticing Viktor catching up with them. "Oh, good! Viktor, you're alive."
Klaus	"So's Ben, apparently," Klaus said from his spot on the bench.
Diego	Diego nodded. "And he's a real dickhead." Ben was supposed to be the nice one!
Annie	"They were all dickheads," Annie said tiredly, reaching up to redo her ruined ponytail with a wince. "But Ben was a real standout, that's true." He also didn't recognize any of them, obviously -- though maybe that was only obvious to Annie, considering Klaus had gone in for that hug.
Five	Five already had a headache, he didn't need it to be made worse here. "Okay, next person to say 'dickhead' gets a punch to the throat."
Diego	Honestly, Five, the chorus of "dickhead" that came out after you said that should have been expected. "Oh!" Diego leaned over and hit Klaus on the arm. "Did Dad tell you why he was calling them his kids?"
Klaus	"Sure did! You ready?" Klaus said, oh so ready to spill the hot goss. "Dad was so repulsed by us back in Texas, that he adopted an entirely different group of children, just so he didn't have to raise us!"
Diego	Diego shook his head. "That's peak Dad."
Annie	"That explains Ben," Annie noted, instant sympathy hitting her features. Man, even when he wasn't their dad, Reginald couldn't help but deliver the low blows. "He wasn't there in 1963." She paused, rolling her eyes at herself, and added, "I mean, I guess he was, but you know what I mean."
Viktor	"So he just didn't want us anymore?" Viktor asked. Man, Dad managed to make him feel like shit even when he wasn't his dad.
Allison	Allison huffed. "Did he ever?"
Five	Accurate, but not important at the moment! "I think you're all missing the big picture here. If Dad didn't adopt us as kids, he changed the timeline. So who knows what else is different now."
Allison	"Shouldn't you know?" Allison asked. This is what you get for taking the lead at all times, Five.
Five	Look, someone had to herd this group of idiot cats! "Sorry, Allison, but it might take me more than 20 minutes and a traumatic brain injury to figure this all out. Is that okay with you?" He was a grumpy old man! Let him rest!
Allison	"No, actually, it's not," Allison replied.
Viktor	"Look, guys, it's fine," Viktor said, trying to stop another fight before it started. "We still have the Commission's briefcase, so we can just go back in time and fix it."
Five	"Okay, there are two problems with that statement," Five replied like it hurt his brain to have to explain it to them. Again. "First off, time travel is complicated, people."
Diego	Diego rolled his eyes. "Yeah, your job is important, we get it."
Five	Thank you for acknowledging that, Diego! "Secondly, I no longer have the briefcase."
Allison	"Five, where the hell is the briefcase?" When nobody had a good answer for her, Allison stomped off. Unfortunately everyone else followed her. God, you couldn't even get a good flouncing in with these people. "What the hell are we doing?"
Five	"Ruminating?" Five suggested like the old man he was.
Luther	"Why is everyone staring at us?" Luther asked.
Diego	"Because we look like the goddamn Village People lost a fight," Diego said, knocking Klaus' dumb hat off his head,
Allison	And that scuffle is what had Allison trying to break off from them again. "Okay, I'll catch you guys later, I have to find Claire."
Viktor	"Allison, wait," Viktor said. "First we get somewhere safe and clean up these cuts, and then we go find her."
Allison	That was, indeed, a good point. Which Allison found annoying. "We can't just stand here and bleed out in the park."
Diego	"We gotta gear up before they come for round two," Diego said, holding up Klaus' hat to keep it above his head. "It's what I would do if I were them."
Klaus	Klaus grabbed his (awesome, cool) hat out of Diego's hand and put it back on his head where it belonged. "We did break into their house, bust up all their nice antiques and shit."
Luther	Luther nodded in agreement. "I don't think those crime-fighting supernerds are going to let that go." (Also pot calling the kettle nerd, Luther).
Five	"Let's just think of some place off the radar where we can lie low and not draw attention," Five suggested. As it was the most pragmatic choice that wouldn't at all lead to the destruction of this universe.
Diego	"What weird-ass place are we not gonna draw attention?" Diego asked. Fortunately, Klaus knew just the place.

Five	You want to know what happened when the Hargreeves family had to take their turn to go through a revolving door? They didn't. Which was why they were packed in like sardines. And idiots. Both at the same time. "There were two entrances, by the way," Five hissed. Why didn't he just teleport his way in? Good question!
Diego	Because it was a competition to see who could squeeze through the doors first! And Diego was trying to win, because of course he was. "Move your big fat ass, Luther." If this was how they died it'd be really embarrassing.
Annie	"Maybe if we try to take turns?" Annie suggested (like an idiot) from somewhere near the rear, her face all but smushed against one panel of the door. Maybe she would take that second entrance? She just didn't want them to get separated.
Five	"Just--move!" Five snapped as though he could force his siblings on through with the force of his rage. A bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see how it plays off for him!
Klaus	He did managed to push Klaus out into the lobby! Which wasn't that hard considering he was tall and wiry. He looked simply delighted to be in the Hotel Obsidian. For some reason. Anybody else probably would have been grossed out by how rundown it was. "Oh, Hotel Obsidian. I've missed you, you slutty old dame. Absorb her. Absorb her into your bosom." Come on, everyone. Step in and absorb with him. "You know, back in her heyday, she played host to world leaders. Roosevelt, Gandhi, Stalin, Gorbachev, Castro, King Olaf of Norway, one of the Kim Jongs, Tito, Dali Lama, Elvis, and not one, but two Kardashians. Allegedly." He frowned when he realized Allison was wandering around from him. "Where are you going?"
Allison	"I gotta make a call," she replied, leaving the rest of them to absorb the...possible asbestos.
Diego	"What is that smell?" Diego asked. "Actually, you know what? I don't wanna know."
Annie	"You guys have Kardashians here?" How the hell did you have Kardashians but not cell phones? Was this question mostly Annie's attempt at ignoring the smell? Maybe. She already felt gross enough as it was from the time travel and the adrenaline dump. Smells were not going to be a plus.
Klaus	The Kardashians were a plague upon every universe. "Nowadays she's just a flophouse, a party house for those of us looking not to be judged by society's rules and norms," Klaus said, waving his hands about like he was talking about Disney World.
Luther	Luther rolled his eyes. "You mean a place to hide?"
Klaus	"Exactly! And the best part of it is, she's gonna look after us, no questions asked. Never ever. Right? Come on." Klaus led them to the reception desk where an old man who looked like he could have played the Grim Reaper on a TV show stood. Along with a ratty looking pug. "Chet! Mon frère! It's so great to see you. I'd like my usual suite, por favor."
Chet	Chet didn't even blink. "I've never seen you before."
Klaus	Klaus looked back to everyone with a grin. "See? Discreet."
Diego	Diego, forever the guy who made friends with the pets at parties, was immediately drawn to the dog. His collar noted his name was Mr. Pennycrumb which was adorable. Naturally he'd be reaching out to pet this cute little guy.
Annie	"Look at this little guy," Annie cooed, reaching out to pet the dog alongside Diego. Mr. Pennycrumb was officially the highlight of today, so far. "Do you own this hotel, Mr. Pennycrumb? Are you actually in charge here? I bet you are." He just had a look of authority, you know?
Chet	"Please stop scaring my dog," Chet said.
Luther	Luther pushed his way to the front. "We need some rooms, please."
Chet	"Excellent," Chet said. "And how will you be paying today?"
Luther	Oh, right. Money. Money is exchanged for goods and services. Luther turned to everyone else. "Come on, empty your pockets."
Annie	Annie, for her part, had two hair ties, an earring back (she had like sixteen of them to keep track of, it was a smart idea to keep extras!), and $.72 in spare change in her pockets. Maybe they took Venmo?
Five	Five shrugged and dug into his pockets to produce... human teeth. Why did he have human teeth in his pockets? Don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answers to. That's why.
Luther	What the hell was wrong with you people? At least Annie and Viktor had pulled out somewhat normal things. He wasn't even going to comment on the nightmare that came out of Five's pocket. "Put the knife away!" Luther said, slapping Diego's hand. "Condoms, really, Klaus? Wait, why do I have a hairnet?" Eventually Luther got frustrated enough that he just pulled off his own watch and slapped it on the desk. "What does that get us?" Two room keys, it turned out.
Allison	Allison grabbed one set of keys, having returned from her failed phone call. "I get dibs on Annie and Viktor. The rest of you can slum it together."

Diego	Diego had hoped, just a little, that maybe the rest of the hotel wouldn't be as rundown and weird as the lobby. He quickly realized that wasn't the case, especially after Klaus excitedly opened the door to a shabby looking room with bunkbeds, a cot and a couch. And also-- "Where's the bathroom?"
Klaus	Klaus waved his hand like no bathrooms were not a big deal. "Down the hall or--" He quickly walked over to open up a window. "--nature's bathroom."
Diego	Diego was not surprised in the least. "You're disgusting."
Klaus	"But consistent," Klaus said as he unzipped his pants and went to use nature's bathroom. Look out below.
Five	"Let's unpack, settle in," Five suggested, taking the bottom bunk of this disgusting room. It was still better than the apocalypse living situation, so he was taking it! And gladly!
Luther	"Unpack? Unpack what?" Did you need to put away the spare teeth you had in your pocket for some reason, Five? "We don't own anything anymore."
Five	"Yes, Luther," Five said, laying back onto the bed to test it out. "Isn't that liberating?"
Diego	"What are you, a commie?" Diego asked. "If I wanted bunkbeds and shared bathrooms I would have stayed in a Texas nuthouse. At least they had jello." And you know what? A lot of the inmates were more fun than his brothers.
Five	Rude. Even though they were all just going to ignore how Luther was testing out his bed in a way that was sure to break the thing. "Hey, Diego? I just spent the last 2 years trying to save the world, can I get five minutes to relax before I work the kinks out?" Five replied, settling in for a nap after getting his ass beat so badly. "Please and thank you."
Luther	Luther was bouncing on the cot he had claimed, smiling. "And Dad said I'd never go to summer camp. This is great." So, at least one person here was happy about their situation.

Annie	"I feel like I'm back at summer camp," Annie noted when she wandered into the room she'd be sharing with Allison and Viktor. "Or catching up on, like, sibling bonding stuff." The kind of sibling bonding stuff that would have felt a lot less weird if they weren't all kind of hanging around in the general vicinity of thirty years old.
Viktor	"It's not too small," Viktor said, trying to make the best of it. Even if he was already starting to miss their house in Maryland.
Allison	"It's definitely ugly," Allison said, shrugging off her sweet cape and tossing it onto one of the beds. She stared at the ugly bedding for a moment. "...this time last year I was sharing a bed with my husband." The bedding of which was also ugly, but that could be blamed on 1963.
Annie	Annie, who had already started grumbling a little internally about sleeping away from her own husband for one whole night and counting, flicked her gaze over to Allison with a trace of guilty sympathy. "That's our next stop," she decided, heedless of the fact that this was definitely something that should be voted upon. "Take care of what we need to here in 2019, and then once we can -- we'll figure out how to get back to 1963. For Ray. Sissy, too," she added, glancing to Viktor. God, that had to be so hard. She hoped she'd never relate personally, but even thinking about losing Diego in time like that made her chest tighten.
Viktor	Viktor smiled slightly. "I hope so. She saw me for who I really am." Even before Viktor knew, really. "I'm not willing to give that up."
Allison	Allison nodded, understanding. "I feel the same about Ray. We better not have left them just to die in some superhero turf war."
Annie	"Absolutely not," Annie decided, shaking her head. "Please. Those jabronies? We were just surprised." In case anyone needed a reminder that Annie was fairly well-matched with their brother, as well. "I'm surprised you're still here," she added to Allison, though her tone was gentle. "Do you want me to call a cab to get you to the airport? I'm sure there's a phone around here."
Viktor	"Annie's right," Viktor said. "You need to go home. Hug your daughter."
Allison	Allison smiled, touched that at least two people remembered why she was here. "What if Diego's right and the Sparrows attack?" Diego being right was rare, but broken clocks and all that.
Annie	"Then we'll handle it," Annie replied, moving over to give Viktor's shoulder a fond little clap. "Please. We've got a world-ender on our side; we can take some dumb box and Asshole Ben, now that we're not surprised." You could totally hear the capital-A on Asshole there.
Viktor	"Seriously, we got the entire Commission." Actually he fought the entire Commission. "We can handle seven jerks in uniforms." Big talk from someone who spent 18 years in a similar uniform. "You should go to the airport, go back to your life," he said. "I would if I could."
Allison	Allison smiled again, holding her arms out for a hug. "Thank you, guys. You don't know how much this means to me." It meant so much that others cared about Claire. It wasn't just Allison holding on to her.

Diego	The less time Diego spent in that god-awful room the happier Diego was, so it wasn't surprising that he was down in the lobby minutes after seeing it. He was joined by Klaus and Luther shortly after and, hey, might as well enjoy some Thai food while they were trying to form a game plan. A game plan to kick the asses of their father's children...who weren't them.
Klaus	Klaus, meanwhile, looked like he was going to throw up watching Diego and Luther eat. "You should try chewing, might actually enjoy your food." Animals, the both of them. At least Luther had an excuse being mostly gorilla at this point.
Five	Which was, of course, when Five joined them, looking far more relaxed than... possibly anytime they'd seen him. Ever maybe? Also, freshly washed and wearing a very fluffy towel provided by the hotel to join them in their Chinese food dinner. And have a cocktail.
Luther	Oh. Oh no, this was terrible. Luther looked at Five with something like horror. "What's wrong? You look happy."
Five	"I am plenty happy," Five insisted. "Had a nap and a shvitz, what more does a man need?" Maybe some emotional stability? Money would be good.
Klaus	"Brothers that don't eat like barn animals?" Klaus asked, making a gagging noise as he watched Diego try to house an entire carton of pad thai in one bite.
Five	Five nodded, having to grant him that as he picked up his drink. "So I've been thinking through our little timeline snafu, and I'm pleased to report in my professional, expert opinion, we are totally in the clear." HA.
Luther	That sounded fake. "So...everything is totally fine?"
Five	Look, just because it was never the case before now! "More or less. I mean, there is one small thing. But it's nothing we can't manage."
Diego	There was a few moments of silence while Diego waited oh-so-patiently for Five to finish that thought. "Spit it out, boomer!" Oh, pad thai went everywhere.
Five	"Fine, Diego," Five said, setting down his drink with a sigh. "It's like this: Dad didn't adopt us as babies, but those babies still existed here. We just grew up in different places with different people. Odds are we each have identical versions of ourselves walking around out there, living completely different lives." Imagine that. Another Diego out there, doing the dumbest shit possible.
Luther	Luther's face lit up. "Our doppelgangers!"
Klaus	"That's a made up word," Klaus said.
Luther	"No, no, I learned all about this in Texas." And got kicked in the junk several times because of it. "Tell them about the paranoid psychosis, Five."
Diego	"Whoa, whoa, Five," Diego said, holding up a hand. "I thought you said this wasn't a problem."
Five	"Okay, yes, technically if you're near your doppel too long, you go insane," Five said like he definitely hadn't happen to him. And definitely hadn't been betrayed by Luther because of all those daddy issues. "So if you see your other self--"
Diego	"Kill them," Diego said with a nod. At the same time he could hear Klaus reply with, "Sleep with them."
Five	"...avoid them." You absolute psychopaths.
Luther	"What the hell is wrong with you two?" Luther genuinely needed to know at this point, guys.
Klaus	"Oh like you wouldn't want to climb Luther Mountain."
Diego	Ugh, imagery Diego did not need. "How are we supposed to guarantee we won't run into our other selves?"
Five	"Easy," Five said, picking his drink back up. "We're the Benetton ad of superheroes, born all around the world until Dad brought us here. Which he never did. So the doppels probably aren't even in the same time zone as us." Just that simple!
Diego	Nothing about them was simple, and Diego was going to mention that but he got distracted by a well thrown knife being thrown in to the back of his chair. He turned quickly, managing to catch a glance of what looked to be Lila (only blonde?) running down the hall. "I'll be right back."
Lila	Lila, the veritable queen of risky, chaotic ventures, knew this was some of her best work yet. The hardest part so far had been tracking Diego and his siblings (and that drippy blonde little thing he dragged around) to this hotel; now, time for the fun part. The trick, of course, was going to be selling it. "Hello, lover," she drawled. Best make it weird as fuck from the start.
Diego	"No. Just no." Nipping that in the bud right now. "I can't believe you actually came back." He thought she would have hopped off to some cool year like...1987 or something.
Lila	Funny you should mention it, Diego. "You missed me already? That's too bad," Lila tsked. "I'm not here to stick around. I'm just doing a quick little drop-off."
Diego	Oh that didn't sound good for him. "Of what?" Please be cookies. Please be cookies.
Lila	Lila stepped neatly to one side, revealing a middle school-aged boy leaning against the wall behind her. So, no, not cookies. "Our son. Diego, meet Stan." After the briefest pause, she gave Stan a shove. "Say hello, Stanley."
Diego	Diego could barely hear Stan's responding little shit "Hello, Stanley" over his impending panic attack. "Wait, what?" No, seriously, what? "This--this is a joke, right?"
Lila	"It's been a joke on me for the last twelve years," Lila told Diego, arching her brows significantly at him. "It's time for you to do your part." Ignoring the part where she and this version of Diego had never, even once, had sex, so he actually didn't have much of an obligation here at all. Oh well, she was calling the lift to dip out on this scene, anyway.
Diego	"Wait, wait, no! You and I never--" Didn't matter, she was gone. He turned back to look at Stan, who was leaning casually against the wall.
Stan	"So...do you got any food?" Lila wasn't the most attentive, shocking no one.
Annie	So this was totally Annie's cue to show up, right? She'd wandered downstairs, picked idly at Diego's food for a moment before asking what direction he'd gone in, and now she was heading down the hallway towards them. "Hey! There you are," she said brightly, before taking in Stan and offering out a friendly smile. Poor kid -- whoever his parents were, they must not be all that attentive to have left him alone in a place like this.
Diego	Oh, shit. Shit. "Uh, hey." Diego moved to stand in front of Stan like that would somehow render him invisible. "What are you doing down here?"
Annie	Uh, that was a real interesting move, Diego, and also a dumb question. "Uh, not being offered Thai food, apparently," she replied, raising her eyebrows and leaning as though to see the kid around Diego. "Who's your friend?" She would have totally just assumed he was some other hotel guest if you weren't acting weird, Diego.
Stan	Stan had been trained real well by Lila, because he totally knew this was his time to shine. "I'm not his friend," Stan informed her. "I'm his son."
Annie	"Excuse me?" Annie replied, because what in the hell else could you say to a statement like that? She looked to Diego, because if this was some kind of joke -- well, it wasn't funny. Not because it, like, hurt Annie's feelings or anything, but because she didn't get it.
Diego	"That's not--" Diego was still trying to work this out himself, okay. "That's not technically true." Always a great way to start an explanation.
Annie	"What the --" Do not swear in front of a child, Annie. No matter what the hell was going on, this wasn't the kid's fault. Probably. And if it was, he didn't look old enough to be making choices they should yell at him for. "I'm confused -- what's the technical truth?" Annie asked, her voice going a little more panicked at how Diego hadn't, you know, denied this absurd notion outright.
Diego	"I don't even know," Diego said, looking panicked himself. "Lila showed up, dumped this kid off on me, said it was our kid, but I'm guessing from like another universe or something because we've never--I would never--"
Annie	"Lila?" Annie latched right onto that, her voice rising and her eyes narrowing. "Wait, this is your son with Lila? Like, Lila from the institution, who has no boundaries and is already -- like, how...are you fucking serious right now?" So much for not swearing in front of the kid. (If he really was Lila's, he'd heard much worse, she was sure.)
Diego	"How do you think I feel?" Diego asked. "I'm the one who has to watch this kid until she gets back!" Well, at least he was responsible enough not to totally ditch the kid.
Annie	"Yeah, okay." Annie kind of felt like crying? Which was stupid, because it wasn't like she thought Diego and Lila had had some kind of affair that had resulted in this kid -- like, look at him. Clearly there was some kind of time travel or alternate universe fuckery at play, if only because the kiddo wasn't an infant. But this was a lot to take in at once, and Diego, honestly, kind of wasn't helping. (Which wasn't fair to him, but she also didn't know how very recently he'd received this news, either.) She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, obviously still upset. "Where'd she go?" They could deal with the rest of this -- how pretty much everything from not being asked if she'd like some Thai food to the presence of this child to the child being Lila's felt like it was going to make Annie scream -- later, apparently. Priority number one: deal with Lila, who was clearly being Lila about this.
Diego	"Who the hell knows?" Diego said, shaking his head. "She said it was time for me to do my part and then left." Diego gestured at Stan, looking exhausted by all of this already. "His name is Stanley." God, there was a universe where he named his child Stanley.
Annie	Annie, who was obviously still not real pleased with her husband at the moment, flicked her gaze over to Stanley and visibly softened. It still wasn't this kid's fault. You couldn't help your parentage, right? And it was their responsibility, as adults, to provide as much of a stable and normal environment as they could. Even if Annie, you know, wildly resented being put in this position. "Hi, Stanley," she offered, managing a small smile for him. "My name's Annie. I'm -- um. Diego's wife." She had momentarily thought about saying your dad's, but that was a bridge too far, right now.
Stan	"Whoa, I bet things are gonna be super awkward between you two, huh?" Diego and Annie, you might have agreed on having a baby, but did you ever stop to think that baby would one day become a 12-year-old?
Annie	"Mmm." Annie did not comment on that, but she did look back to Diego as though to just, like, cement the awkwardness. She got that he was just as blindsided as she was, but like...she was kind of having a hard time digging up sympathy for Diego in the wake of how overwhelmingly upset she was by this. Neither of them was especially naturally jealous, but if anything could test that claim.... "Whatever. Have fun," she said with an elaborate, faux-uncaring shrug meant to cover how fucking horrible she felt about this -- mostly for Stan's benefit -- as she turned to retreat down the hallway, back towards the lobby again. Probably for the best that they'd gone with the separate rooms, after all.